It was a dance school. Like so many small dojos, my Sensei, Chris Rozett, rented space at a dance school. He cut me a break on my tuition since I was in school. I believe it was around 30 or 40 dollars a month for my training. That worked out great for me, since I was pretty poor. I would ride the bus from Riverside to Mandarin, which is a two hour ordeal here in Jacksonville, but it was worth it.
At one point, I had fallen behind on my tuition. I was at least a couple of months past due. I knew that what ever the difference was from paying students, and the rent, that my teacher paid. He never made a dime teaching us Aikido. I felt so horrible, so embarrassed, that I stopped going to class for a few weeks. From 3 to 4 days a week, to nothing. My idea was that I would stop leeching off of this man, and return when I was able to reimburse him. Whenever that was.
One night, I was home, on the couch, being an idiot. The phone rang. I answered the phone as any idiot would, in a listless, stupid manner. It was Hiromi, my Sensei’s wife. My Sensei’s WIFE. As soon as I heard her voice, I stood up, in full attention, with my shirt tucked in. The conversation went something like this:
“Autrelle, where have you been?”
“Home. I’m sorry I have not been to class. I haven’t been able to pay for class because I’m a loser and-”
“Autrelle, we were worried about you. Why have you not been coming to class? What’s going on with you?”
“Well, like I said, I don’t have any money, and-”
“Autrelle, that’s not a reason to make us worry, and it’s not a reason to stay home and not train.”
“I’m…I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you worry, it’s just that, I feel so bad-”
“Autrelle, you come to class. You come and you train. As long as you are okay, that’s important. Please don’t make us worry like that again. I’ll see you next class?”
“Yes! Thank you so much!”
Fast forward six months. I had started working again. I had reached a point where I was able to began paying on my back tuition. After class, I approached my Sensei, and I handed him some money. It went down like this:
“What is this, Autrelle?”
“It’s my first installment on my back tuition.”
What happened next happened in about 2 seconds, but it felt like 5 years.
He counted it.
He counted the money that I handed him. Those wadded, crinkled, unsanitary bills that I handed him. He counted it. He counted it slowly. It felt like that anyway, like he counted it slowly. It was only 60 dollars. I felt like shit. I felt like shit that I could only give him 60 dollars in nasty, dirty cash. This was the best I could do at that time to repay a man that was singularly the most influential instructor that I had ever had. The shame I felt, I just wanted to crawl under something. Then he looked at me. I don’t know if he could see what I was feeling, or if he just knew. I don’t know. I don’t think that what I feeling was a factor in what happened next. I looked up at him, trying to be strong, but the best I could do was to give him a rather sad and apologetic expression. I went to say something, I don’t know what I was going to say, but before I could say anything, he looked me in the eye and said:
“This looks more like payment in full.”
Not to sound like a sap, but as I remember this to type it, I still feel everything I felt that day. I almost cry everytime I think about it. I almost cried then. My throat started to swell, and I started to say something else, and again, he cut me off, saying:
“It’s good. We’re good.”
One of the things that I try to be very aware of is what I encourage, as well as I what I discourage. Both actions can be done directly by speech and action, and both can be done indirectly, by what is not said and by actions not taken. When I talk to people about things that they believe in, and how those things fit in with their everyday lives, I like to get into the area of discussion I like to call The Danger of Being Neutral.
The Danger of Being Neutral simply states that if you can realize that something is right, and not wrong, then you should follow that course. It states that since you know the difference between right and wrong, that anything even a little bit wrong can never be right. That means that you can never compromise with something that is wrong. A compromise between right and wrong only encourages what is wrong by making allowances for it, and discourages what is good by not supporting it fully.
For example, a person can’t cheat on their spouse a little bit. A person can’t steal a little bit. A person can’t kill people a little bit. There’s no such thing as being a little bit raped. The average person understands this. But all too often, I see people make exception, either for their own sake, the sake of someone else, or even worse, just for the sake of argument or discussion. It’s funny, how all of a sudden, it can be okay to cheat, lie, steal, rape, murder, because, you know, everything is not black and white. Or maybe what’s okay for one person may not be okay for another.
Here’s what my simple solutions are:
This is what I call The Danger of Being Neutral. Ayn Rand called it The Cult Of Moral Grayness. It means you have to take a stand. Stop being that neutral person, because your neutrality will not help anyone. People can talk about being “neutral” or “keeping their thoughts to themselves” but the problem is, they can’t live that way. They won’t. I promise you that if someone were trying to defraud you, defame you, rape you, kill you, and some bystander was there that could help, you would understand in a second what I’m talking about here: The Danger of Being Neutral.
For more on this, read Ayn Rand, The Virtue of Selfishness, Chapter 9: The Cult of Moral Grayness.
In homage to my first and favorite Aikido teacher, I’m officially invoking Jo Season! All Aikido Buki Waza sessions will be Jo, Jo, and more Jo. If you’re looking to brush up on your Jo (like me!) then let’s get together.
I took down my notes that I made for the 31 kumijo. Maybe if I get the chance to film it myself, I’ll update them and put them up again. Anyone that downloaded them, if you have any feedback, let me know. Thanks.
“I am going to die.”
That thought went through my mind. I had to be there at midnight. It was only eleven o’clock. I had plenty of time. I was well rested. Sober. I wore my seat belt. I didn’t speed. The sky was clear.
Well, it was.
It started to drizzle slightly. The kind of drizzle that would never cause concern. Except for the hydroplaning. I was in the far left lane of Interstate 95, and my car started to slide complete off of the highway, toward the opposite lane. Luckily, I didn’t hit anyone on the road that night. When my car hit the grass that marked the end of the emergency lane, it began to spin in circles. When my car hit the ditch, it began to roll over.
Spinning, rolling, circles, flipping, spinning, flying through the air, sliding across the road as if it were weightless.
Any other time, when I’m taking ukemi, when I’m spinning, rolling, circling, flying through the air, sliding across tatami mats or grass, making myself weightless – I feel so free. I feel connected to myself, to my partner, I feel completely integrated.
“I have to feel that again.”
“How did she just do that?”
Usually, these are the thoughts I have when I take ukemi. When I take that trip from up to down, from stable attacker to weightless uke.
This of course, was different.
I mean, here I am, flying off the highway, rolling around inside of a car, toward what is about to be my most certain death.
It’s a bit odd to remember those thoughts, those last thoughts that you have before you die, or least when you are sure that you are about to die. The idea that I was about to die came right after “Oh shit.” I remember that. In fact, here were what would have been my last thoughts:
“Oh shit.”
“I am about to die.”
“What about my brother? My mom?”
“Oh shit.”
Then, I had one final thought. It may have been the thought that saved my life. My martial arts training kicked in, took care of me before I even realized what happened, and saved the day. My training wouldn’t let me give up. It put the thought in my head that may have saved my life that night some two years ago:
“Make yourself round and relax.”
One of the best DVD’s I have ever bought was Ellis Amdur’s Ukemi: From the Ground Up, Not only is this DVD the most sound approach I have seen to teaching ukemi, but his instruction, making yourself round and relaxing, probably saved my life. I have been meaning to thank him for his suggestion about how to take ukemi inside a car that was thrown in an kokyunage variation. I have been meaning to thank anyone that was ever kind enough to throw me on the mat, and teach me how to get back up safely. I wanted to thank everyone that taught me that even when it looks bad, to not give up, ever. Thanks. Thank you. When the car landed and finally stopped, I got out. I walked away in one very healthy piece.
The thoughts I had after I thought I thought my last thoughts:
“Holy shit.”
“I can’t wait to see my mom and brother.”
“Thank you. Domo Arigato.”
This is a little late, and I want to apologize for that, but I must tell you all that Tegan & Sara’s latest album, The Con, is out of control. That’s a good thing.
My new favorite site to find .torrents on is Youtorrent. It’s still in the beta, but it works marvelously. It gives you a real time comparisi0n between .torrent sites. For those of you that don’t know how to download .torrents, it’s rather simple – I recommend that you use Frostwire. It’s a free, open source version of Limewire that won’t muck up your computer. After you download the desired .torrent file from your browser, launch Frostwire and go to File->Open .torrent and select the .torrent file you saved. Then you’re good to go. Yeah.
I found a clip of Saito Sensei performing the 13 Jo Kata on youtube, and I made a brief manual of that also. Enjoy.
That would mean that someone actually took the time to find this blog, and think about its content. This year, one of my goals is to write something everyday. I will do this, if for no other reason, to improve my writing ability. I’m considering taking a class on style. I have a teacher in mind, but I don’t know if he offers such a class. I came across the whole “Dooced” thing while looking for a quote for a friend. My friend is a gifted writer. Like most artists, my friend has an overflow of things to say. Lately, my friend has not been able to say it. So this, although it may not be the best, is a quote I found:
- “Keep writing. Keep doing it and doing it. Even in the moments when it’s so hurtful to think about writing.”
Anything Morihiro Saito Sensei. Specifically:
Takemusu Aikido Volumes 1 and 5 (I loaned them out and never saw them again)
Morihiro Saito: The Lost Seminars 1 and 2
Budo by Morihiro Saito
All of these are available at Aikido Journal. So get on it.
I just finished with illustrating my Kumijo notes. So far, I have put 1-6, 9-11, 12-17, and 18-22 up for download in PDF format. As always, I welcome your feedback. Thanks – and happy New Year.
Another year in the light. I wish you all well!
