YOU ARE A PUSSY AND YOU KNOW IT.

Well here you are.  You ran your mouth off or messed around with another man’s woman, and know you’re about to get your ass kicked.  Tough luck buddy.  Can’t talk or bribe your way out of this one?  Can’t fight?  Well, you’re in luck.  Here are some tips to keep in mind when you find you have written the check that your body can’t cash.

Run bitch, RUN!!!  Live to fight, or not fight, another day.  If you aren’t tough enough to stand your ground, you better be in shape to get the hell out of there.

Pay attention, you idiot!  Before someone hurts you, they have to think about hurting you.  This means that all fights start in the mind, not when the guy is punching you, or even just yelling at you.  Observe the enemy’s behavior, observe the environment, have all of the facts.  That’s probably how you got here in the first place, not paying attention.  Hopefully you can pay attention and get out of this.

Pick up an air conditioning unit.  Or a brick.  Or a book.  You can use anything as a defensive tool if you have imagination.  Don’t hesitate to stack the odds in your favor.

You are going to jumped.  Seriously.  If you assume that you are going to fight someone one-on-one, you’re just plain stupid.  That’s why I say haul ass if you can.  If you can’t, pick up a shovel or something.  If you’re afraid to fight one person, well, what are you going to do when you get jumped by his friends?  You might want to travel in a pack.

Go Bruce Lee on that motherfucker.  You ever notice that in Master Lee’s movie, whenever he’s getting jumped, the first guy that gets it gets it BAD, and he doesn’t wait one second to give it to them.  It will work when you are getting jumped, and it will work if it is just one person.  Don’t ever stand around waiting to get your ass kicked.  As soon as you get those butterflies in your stomach, freak out, start screaming, and pull some Braveheart shit.  Otherwise, you’re going to leave the encounter up to who is the better fighter, and you don’t really want to know if this person is better than you, now do you?

Don’t wrestle him on the ground, you idiot.  Duh.  You’re just going to get your head stomped by his friends.  Or he might have a knife on him.  Oh, you have him in your guard?  He escapes by cutting you across the femoral artery.  If you find yourself on the ground, your first priority is to get back up.  Don’t hang out there at all.

You can’t block weapons.  If you are both armed, and you try to block an attack from him with your weapon, you are going to fail.  Do you best to get the hell out of there, especially if you are facing a knife, bottle, bottle cap, dirty needle, or anything else that can cut you.  If you have to fight this person, and you have a weapon, keep your distance and use your weapon to hit their hands.  Hopefully, they will drop the weapon, and you will have a slight advantage.

Don’t give up.  Keep fighting until the fight is done.  If you can get away at some point, do it.  If the other person falls down or can’t fight anymore, get the hell out of there.  Just don’t slack.  This is go time.

Tuck and cover.  So you’re still getting your ass kicked.  If you are still standing, you have no excuse to not being trying to run away.  If you are on the ground, and you’re getting your ass whipped, well, you’re basically fucked.  If the guy knows groundfighting, he’s going to control your body to make escape impossible.  If he has friends, you’re just going to kick your ass stomped by 28 boots.  The best thing you can do is take a defensive posture.  You should have your back to the ground, so that you can face up and see what’s going on.  You don’t want to expose your spine and the back of your head to those 28 boots.  Keep your elbows tucked in by your side to cover your ribs and your organs, and keep your hands by your face to protect from punches and chokes.  Tuck your knees up to chest to protect your groin and stomach.  This will also make it hard for someone to effectively put the weight of their body on you.  Cover up, stay round, and try to see everything.  Remember that even from here, you can still get beaten the hell up.  I advise that you take that time to ponder your philosophical grounding.

Good luck.

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